Faces of Octopus City is a series of interviews with everyday people that were published in the Octopus City Beetle, one of several newspapers that were maintained by the Central Administration. The interviews shed a lighthearted and entertaining light on the lives of many marginalized ‘nobodies’. The interview we bring you today was conducted by a famous journalist (we could never find out his name, so we’ll just call him ‘the journalist’) as he interviews a lowly tentacle cutter named Kaf Kafkaryan and his friend. — Editor

Welcome to Faces of Octopus City, your window into the often neglected part of the world. These are people we run into every day, people like you and me who reflect the true spirit of our city. Today’s guest is Kaf Kafkaryan, a hard-working Tentacle Cutter that has stopped by my office to offer me his services. I was more interested in knowing more about this Kaf-person and in learning what it is like to cut tentacles for a living. Kaf was a man of few words however, and a friend of his (identifying himself as Kaf’s agent) volunteered to help me conduct this interview.

Journalist:
Mr. Kafkaryan, start by telling us a little bit about yourself. What are your likes and dislikes? Where do you come from? And where do you want to be? Who is Kaf Kafkaryan the human being?

Kaf:
Uh, sometimes.

Friend:
Look buddy, what my business associate here wanna say is he’s the best damn cutter in this whole tower. If it is tentacles ya need trimmed, Kaf is the man. Or maybe you wanna browse our wide collection of wares, is it? All ya gotta do is just stop by my shop in the robot junkyard and I’ll give ya a real good deal. Yeah?

Journalist:
Yes, yes. Thank you for that. Getting back to the main topic, I wanted to ask Kaf about his family. Are you married Kaf? Do you have children? What kind of children are they? How do they feel about having a tentacle cutter as a father? We are dying to know here.

Kaf:
My momma.

Friend:
Lemme just say that Kaf’s mom is a fine woman. I mean yeah she’s in a wheelchair, and yeah she don’t say much. Sure, that’s true. But she’s a fine woman. A lady, ya know? And Kaf here? He had a lady of his own once. Not sure what happened to her. Now the real question ya all should be askin’ is if ya need a family at all? Look, in this market it’s just too expensive to raise a family. Supply and demand right? What isn’t expensive is these little robots my boys have been putting together, yeah? We can make ‘em look like real humans if that’s what’s yer into. Like no problem man, I got ya covered. I had a family of my own once, back when I lived underground, but as soon as I got my ticket here I never looked back, and just look at me now. These robots are cheap too. If ya like—

Journalist:
Robots? Uh, maybe we can talk about that later. So, Kaf, what makes you cry? I can’t help but notice that you look somehow troubled. Please open your heart and tell us what troubles you. Is it your job? Or maybe your wife? What happened to her anyway? Is it your mother? The readers demand answers!

Kaf:
The tentacles.. talk sometimes. They..

Journalist:
Talking tentacles? You’re a funny man you know. (laughs) Come to think of it, it was rude of me to ask you about your personal business. I’m sure you’re quite happy with your job.

Kaf:
They talk. They tell me to do things and—

Journalist:
Kaf here is just kidding of course. Let’s not talk politics here, okay? How about you tell me the thing you like the most in the city? What makes you happy?

Kaf:
Sometimes when I cut tentacles, they cry. It’s sad.

Journalist:
Sure… Do you like music? Any favorite bands?

Kaf:
… it’s sad.

Friend:
Listen pal, my good friend here is right. Fuel prices these days are real sad. At my little place we got generators that don’t run on coal. They run on garbage, can ya believe that? Leftover food? Tentacles ya don’t need? Sick Hotmogs?  These little machines will eat it all up. Tell me man, what is the easiest thing to find in this city? The answer is of course, garbage. The way I see it, garbage is the future. Know what I’m sayin’?

Journalist:
I think it’s best if we concluded this interview for now. I would like to thank Kaf Kafkaryan and his friend for this candid and informative interview.

I asked Kaf to finish his tentacle cutting job and he soon left with his friend, who curiously asked me for money and said he would keep it safe for Kaf. According to him, that is what agents do. I would like to note that the staff at the Octopus City Beetle do not condone octopus blood addiction, unauthorized fuel manufacturing, or trespassing into the robot junkyard. I know the guests didn’t bring any of that up, but it’s worth reminding ourselves every now and then.

PS: This is not really related, but I seem to have misplaced my wallet. There is a valuable reward waiting for anyone who finds it.